Biblical Courtship. Different from other courtship behavior? Different to dating? Here are some principles to consider.

Please be aware that the Bible never uses the term courtship nor does it define any kind of dating procedures. I have chosen this word merely because i find it to be the most helpful to people today. Hopefully this hub will clarify what ‘I’ mean by the term, so please don’t get too hung up on the word. I recognize that there are many who dislike it, yet perhaps would agree with the principles i have listed, and equally many who like the term, but would strongly disagree with my understanding.

Biblical courtship is in stark contrast to both dating and worldly courtship. The primary reason for this being that it follows after Gods wisdom alone and does not entertain wisdom of the world.

“The wisdom from above is first of all PURE, then PEACEABLE, GENTLE, WILLING TO YIELD, FULL OF MERCY AND GOOD FRUIT, WITHOUT PARTIALITY AND WITHOUT HYPOCRISY and the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace, by those who seek peace” James 3:17,18

Biblical courtship differs from the courtships or dating practices of the world for another reason. It seeks not it’s own. Those following this path are first of all seeking Gods will and not giving in to fleshly desires or lusts. “Seek ye FIRST the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things will be added unto you.”

Biblical courtship produces marriages which are built on an absolute certainty that this man or woman is chosen for us by GOD and is His will for our lives. Rarely is this peace in a chosen spouse found in isolation from those set in authority over us. (I am not excluding exceptional cases. This is a very general outline and to keep it as brief as possible I cannot possibly detail every exceptional case.)

Biblical courtship is founded upon Biblical principles. That may appear obvious, yet many who ‘date’ believe they are doing so according to Gods Word. They do so either in ignorance, unbelief or rebellion.

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.” Psalm 119:9

Biblical courtship ceases to be Biblical when it steps outside of the bounds of true Biblical morality.

(Biblical morality/purity demands that ALL sexual or sensual activity take place INSIDE of marriage. Outside of marriage, members of Christ’s body, the family of God, should treat one another as brothers and sisters or fathers and mothers. This is Godly purity and far, far above the standards of morality the world portrays as normal and ok.)

Biblical courtship is the process of seeking (actively and not passively.........courting is a verb) a husband or wife. It is usually defined as the period of time prior to any covenantal commitment and as such ought not to be encouraging of emotional/romantic involvement and there needs to be wisdom used in order to guard as yet unmarried people from both emotional and sexual temptation.

(This quote is using covenant protection as meaning the headship of the father.)

"Covenant protection also means that prior to a covenantal commitment (i.e., engagement or betrothal) couples are not permitted to become emotionally involved. The goal of the biblical courtship process is not romance or physical affection but marriage. The courtship process is a largely an intellectual endeavor. It is primarily a data-gathering mission. Obviously there are personality and physical attraction considerations. However, these things do not at all necessitate touching of any kind or romantic expressions. Once an engagement occurs romantic poetry and speech is appropriate. But, physical sexual touching is not to occur during the betrothal period. It is only to occur after the marriage covenant takes place. "Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (Heb. 13:4)." (Quoted from reformedonline.com)

Biblical courtship accepts the God given authority of fathers and understands that a sons’ or daughters’ marriage choice is not autonomous of this. God gives us the first example of this in giving Eve to Adam. And this principle continues throughout both the Old and New Testaments. However, even in the case of Isaac and Rebekkah (whose courtship/pursuit of a spouse was entirely external to them) marriage was not forced or even coerced. Rebekkah was asked and expressed her own personal willingness to be Isaacs wife. Isaac (who was 40 at this point) also was submissive to his fathers will, voluntarily. Parents have a duty to maintain unity with their children in any marriage decision and children have a duty to be in obedience to their parents, even if that might mean sacrificing the pursuit of a personally chosen candidate, if that choice is forbidden by a father. (The exceptions and details of this would require lengthy essays and that is not the purpose of this Hub. Please visit my facebook page for questions and discussions related to all to courtship issues. https://www.facebook.com/biblicalcourtship)

In determining your own readiness for Biblical Courtship or the readiness of another (whether your son/daughter or one in whom you are interested in as a potential spouse) take a look back at what Gods wisdom looks like.

Are you/they committed to purity?

Are you/they known as a peaceable person?

Are you/they of a gentle spirit?

Are you/they willing to yield/submit?

Are you/they a merciful person?

Are good fruits in evidence in your/their life?

Are you/they impartial in the manner of ‘Godly' impartiality?

Does your/their life match your/their spoken words?

I am not suggesting we ought only to marry near perfect people. Often marriage itself is the soil which many of these character traits will grow in. However, a sincere believer will be already showing some early sprouting of these and observing how they respond to failing in any of these areas will be a good indicator of their hearts and their willingness (or not) to strive towards holier living. Are they broken hearted over remaining corruption in their living, or are they indifferent? Some people can present a wonderful external front for a while, but remember God looks upon the heart. Psalm 51:17.

Biblical courtship understands the fleshly nature as described in Scripture and seeks to:

“..FLEE youthful passions and PURSUE righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.”

2 Timothy 2:22

The ideal environment for Biblical courtship to take place is not going to be within reality for many people. The important word is principle and not rule. I consider the courtship of Ruth and Boaz to be a beautiful example of an exceptional circumstance. Pretty much everything was outside of the ideal. Ruth was a childless widow, raised in a pagan land, following with tender loyalty, a mother in law who had lost husband and sons, to a land she knew nothing about. And once there, against cultural norms of the day, Naomi boldly secured for her daughter in law a Godly husband. Whatever circumstance you are in, if you are trusting in the Lord, and not your own understanding, diligently seeking God in prayer and living within the bounds of His written word, by the power of His Spirit, then remember that ‘nothing is impossible for God”.

In concluding can i direct you to study the Biblical meaning of covenant? There is nothing new under the sun according to Solomon, and He was writing under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Today there are many marriages in crisis. Many marriages entered into in haste and without properly counting the cost or even taking into consideration the true meaning of marriage and it’s covenantal bindings. There are many broken marriages and broken hearts and we are not treading some new ground with any of these things. Yet God is just as much a witness to the covenant of marriage today, as He was in the beginning and living (as believers) now under grace, ought never to permit us to hold a lower behavioral view of covenants or of marriage, but should (if we are sincere in our faith) cause us to guard our marriages all the more, understanding the preciousness of the covenant Christ has made with us and will certainly never break, but will keep his Word eternally. I am not speaking these things from a position removed from the pain and trial of brokenness in marriage. My own marriage is presently broken and so i am not without understanding or sympathy for those whose marriages are not cantering along in seemingly (because no marriage is without difficulties of one sort of another) smooth paths. Yet smooth or rough, a covenant continues to be a covenant. I am adding this, in order to counsel those not yet married to slow down and take great thought and consideration and be much in prayer before making such a serious and life long covenant. Because if we are sincere in desiring to reflect the faithfulness of our God, we must not enter in haste (as i am afraid i myself did) or without an absolutely resolute mind and heart to maintain faithfulness to that covenant, come rain or shine. A great deal of learning is often learned through mistakes. But i certainly hope and pray that my children will profit from my learning and not ever be foolish enough to gallop headlong into their own mistakes and learn the hard way.

Here is a starter for you. And if you dig deep into the Word of God and find more nuggets or discover things contrary to anything i have written, please feel welcome to leave your findings in the comments section.

A marriage covenant is more and less than merely a contract or a promise. It is primarily a cutting. Every covenant in Scripture required the shedding of blood. (Psalm 50:5). They were affirmed by sacrifice. In Genesis 15, Abraham was placed in a deep sleep (reminiscent of that of Adam at the creation of Eve) and only One party passed between the divided sacrifices. This indicated that God would take full responsibility for the covenant and that just as under the New Covenant of grace, man need only receive the rich benefits as a gift. His part was to receive and to obey by faith. And faith itself is a gift. Entering into a marriage covenant, witnessed by the Lord, implies the death of the present life in order to establish a new one, the union of a one flesh relationship. It was known in the nation of Israel that to break a covenant, was to make the sacrifice offered at it’s beginning no longer efficacious and therefore the one breaking it would be held accountable of a thing worthy of death. Let’s not allow grace to lower our covenantal promises and behavior.

Questions for study:

Which covenants in Scripture were conditional and which were unconditional insofar as they were made fast by ‘One party’ (God) and as such continued regardless of whether the other side (humanity) broke them or not?

Is the marriage covenant conditional or unconditional? If the former, then what do you believe are the conditions? If the latter, then how does this work itself out practically in daily living and in case of one party breaking covenant?